Guts:

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 02:10:25 GMT

today is december 10, 2009.

i'm not really sure what to say but it's been too long since i've updated.

i'm losing weight. I get to see my love in 9 days. My sister in 9 days. go to cabo in 19 days.

things are coming together.

Writer's Block: Significant Choices

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 20:56:43 GMT

If you had to choose between your friends and your significant other, who would you choose?

View 502 Answers

39 weeks...

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 21:27:39 GMT

i was just looking at my journal...and how it said "last updated about 39 weeks ago..."

holy crap. I honestly had to look back and see where i was 39 weeks ago. That was before florida. Before breaking up with d. before the scott drama. before my love for disney and FL broke my heart. Before skyelar. Before d. joining the military. before thinking i'd lost him forever. before realizing we are meant to be together forever. Before it all...I feel like my life was lived entirely in the last 39 weeks...

friends have changed. love has changed. family has changed. everything has changed and i love it. change is great.

I miss FL. I would love to be there now. But i know it's not what is best for d. and me. we are working on our long distance thing...[[from OR to TX where he is.]] I miss him so much. I'm so thankful for him. He is so amazing. He is my motivation. He is what keeps me going every day. And soon we will get to be together again...January...he's done in January. Then he comes home and we can be happy...I know Jan. is a ways away...and change is bound to happen in one way or another, but i certainly hope we can make it through.

oh to be in love. I never thought...45 weeks ago [[haha]] that i would ever love again.

If anybody reads this...what are your feelings about love?? Any stories??

Hopefully it wont be another 39 weeks before i update :]

loves.

as of now.

Tue, 06 May 2008 09:06:06 GMT

and this is where i am now:

Updated.

well, my story continues:

I'm moving on. He can do what he likes. If we have to continue this myspace "drama" of moving down on friends lists and crap like that...whatever. Its immature. And I dont care anymore.

I'm getting stronger. I was reminded today of how many good friends i have. Ones that hug you cuz they haven't seen you in forever. Ones that, even though you don't talk to them regularly, they will call to tell you they are there for you. I want to tell all of my friends thank you. I love you all.

My family deserves a thank you as well. Thank you for being concerned, and doing what you all did. I love you all.

My heart is still broken. It will take time to heal i know. But i know i can do it.

I just talked to another friend. She said whatever happens, whether it be you find someone else and they are the right one, or you two get back together...whatever happens, know it is God's plan. Wow. I can't believe how far I have fallen from my faith. I remember that I can't control the future. God has His plan for me and whatever happens, happens. Thank you for reminding me.

It still hurts. It will hurt for a while. But if he can move on so can I.

I am a little peeved though. The girl...well if he's with her any time whatsoever...i will know he lied to me. Whatever. If that happens i KNOW i will never forgive. And I believe lying is worse of a deed than anything i have done. And if he so chose to crawl back to me...well i don't know what i would do. (not that i'm expecting that to happen). He is just doin it to piss me off. This is a completely different side of him i have never seen. But it's good i'm seein it now. And it changes alot. He seems immature...not that it matters. I will always love him. That will never change.

This "blogging" crap seems rediculous to me. I don't even know why i'm doing it. I guess it's better to write down feelings than keep them bottled up. But really i don't know what to say anymore. but here's what's on my mind:

If he can't work things out...the relationship didn't mean as much as i thought it did. If he'd be willing to leave a wife and kids after something like this...he's not worth it. If he can just move on that fast...i was never worth that much to him in the first place. I realize he's angry, and he has every right to be, but if he felt the way he said he did...he should be willing to work on things and let me make it right again. I am having this feeling...this whole issue was just an excuse to be single...because that's what he was wanting.

Just a few things on my mind...can't get them off. But i'm trying to study. keeping myself busy.

I want everyone to know i meant every word i said in my last "blog" or whatever. I felt like i said i did. And I'm glad you all cared. But I am learning to work through the pain. I don't care if he moves on. If he does, it shows me how he really is. And I only want the best for him, whatever that may be. I want him to be happy. He can do what he wants in this world, i won't try to control him, i never have and i never will and he knows this. If we work out...we work out...if we dont...it wasn't meant to be.

I'm not going to deny the fact that I do still wish we were together, because i do. I would love nothing more, right now, than to spend the rest of my life with him. But i realize he would never be trusting, he would worry all of the time and he would never be fully content. So, I hope whoever he spends the rest of his life with can make him happier than i ever did.

I honestly just hope he doesn't become a man whore. I mean, he did say all guys are after one thing...is that only what he wanted? Did he just get what he wanted and leave? Doubtful...but still (another thing on my mind).

Moving on. No, Moving through the pain. This is what my dad told me i have to do. And i am trying. I will do it. I will move through this. I don't have to move on. I don't need anybody in my life right now. Obviously that's what God intended. When I am supposed to have someone there...God will bring him to me. For now, i need to focus on school, friends, and family. Oh yes, and I need to work on my faith. I would like to strengthen it. I want to get close to God again. I gave up so much to him...things that i can never get back and i want to apologize to God for that. I'm not saying i didn't like those things. They were great. But i'm moving through...

Thank you again to all of you who care so much for me. You are all amazing. I appreciate everything you have all done. I cannot express how much I am thankful.

I love you all.

Tue, 06 May 2008 09:04:58 GMT

well everybody...here's an update:

I wrote this down on saturday morning at 4:30 when i wasn't sleeping.

We all make mistakes. Mine just happened to end the best thing that happened to me. He won't read this i'm sure of it. But if he does...well he'll know how i really feel.

I don't even know where to start. Other than i hope i never see the person that caused all of this. If i do i will probably kick him in the balls. He ruined my life. I really can't see myself continuing on. I'm not trying to guilt anyone. Its so hard.

All i want to do is spend every waking second fighting for him (by now i hope you all know who the "him" is). Every waking second is now including the full 24 hours of every day because i haven't slept in about 2 weeks. Who do i listen to? Do i talk to him? Do i txt him? Do i wait until he txts me? Will he ever txt me? Probably not.

I tore his heart out. I knew from the beginning this would end up like this if anything were to happen. What i didn't know is that i would feel this way. I can never trust anyone again. I thought that loser was someone i could trust! Showed me huh? "Loser" messed up my ENTIRE LIFE!!!

I will never move on. My phone conversation last night went a little something like this:

Should i move on? I dont know right now. Well would it be worth it for me to wait for you because thats all i want to do. I want to make you happy. I dont know. you broke my heart and i can never trust you and right now i dont see us getting back together because i told you this from the start. I know but I want to fix things. You can't fix things. I know...i realize i will never be able to rewind and take it back. It will never go away but i want to be with you so i will fight for that. Unless you want to move on. I don't know. Well i need to know if you every want to be with me again. I dont know.......

And on...What do i do? I don't even want to think about my life with someone else. All I want to do is be with him. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I physically can't function without him. Like as of now i can hardly type anything. I have no motivation to go to class...i will probably fail this term. Then it's summer...and his birthday...and then i leave for disney world...alone? I hope not. I hope he will take me back by then. How can you say you want to marry someone and have a family with them and a better future than anyone else and then not even try to fix things?!?!

I realize it's only been a week that we have been apart. But still...Love that deep can't just dissolve in a week...A week should seem like forever and we should already be back and fighting for what we want most...which i thought was eachother. He is my life. I want to fix things so bad. I feel like I am not a person now. I feel like a blob of lard just flailing around the world meaninglessly. I cry every second. My body shakes uncontrolably. I'm in so much pain i can't bear it. I cant eat. Maybe if i get skinny he will take me back? Who knows.

I feel bad for his brother. I saw him on thursday. He didn't know. I wouldn't tell him anything until he heard it from him before. I wanted him to be the first to tell his own family. Why WHY WHY?! All i want to do is make it better. I don't know what to do.

My dad says not to talk to him for a while. That is the hardest thing to do. I can't go a day...sad. God i hope i haven't permanently ruined this. I will wait forever. I won't be with anyone else. I can only hope he feels the same. It could take years but i don't care. I will wait. It's not like he's going to read this and let it change his mind.

Lord only knows what is going on in his mind. "she's a b*tch" probably. He probably never wants to be with me ever again...but i'm clinging to that small shadow of doubt in the "i don't know" that will probably lead me astray for the rest of my life. What about sunday? What did that mean? Why kiss me like he did if it didn't mean anything? It was the same kind of kiss i got when we were together.

I'm so lost.

I think i need professional help...yep.

I've gotten this far in this whatever you call it without saying something. I'm sorry...I am. More sorry than anyone in the world. More sorry than i was for trying to take my own life, more sorry than God when he sent Satan to Hell. I am so sorry i would die to show it. These words are just about the only words that run through my head all day every day: I'm sorry. I love you. Please forgive me.

I don't even know what to do. everything reminds me of "Us." My bed. My computer. My tv. My school. My parents. My sister. My friends. I can't think about anything i do or anyone i see without thinking about him and how much i messed it up and how much i'm sorry. and how much i want to die in order for this to all be over. Nobody has probably read this far so that last statement really won't matter. but it's true. I'm weak. I need to be stronger

That is my goal: Get strong and skinny. Then he will want me back. Strong and Skinny. Strong and skinny. Strong and skinny.

2 hours till i'm supposed to be awake to meet mom.

So much for mom's weekend. I'm so sorry mom for ruining this for you. I'm such a selfish person. I guess you can all see that now.

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 01:20:56 GMT

Hours of [liquid] fast: ~~1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44~~ 45 46 47 48

Gonna keep going.

I've had two coffees today (i think like a total of 300 cals) and an unsweetened iced tea (zero calories).

Longest day ever.

I don't know if anyone reads my LJ too but i've not had the best week/weekend.

My boyfriend broke up with me. I'm the cause of the problem. I cheated. I'm the failure.

I'm trying to lose weight to win him back. Hopefully he will take me back.

I love him so much. I can't physically live without him. I have skipped all classes so far this week and i can't bear to go to my one tonight but it's important for my grade...whatever. I will zone out the whole time. Think of ways to win him back.

If anyone wants to talk i'm here. I love talking to people.

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 18:55:34 GMT

So switched to a liquid fast. I have too many pe classes. So i had a coffee today.

Hours of fast: ~~1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17~~ 18 19 20 21 22 23 24

i f*cked up.

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 06:31:37 GMT

well, you can all tell me..."i told you so"

He was an ass. Nothing matters to him but drugs. He won't even stay sober enough to talk to me about it.

He promised nobody would find out. He said he wanted to be like "friends with benefits". I can't believe anything he says. He's always been the same. I can't belive i wanted this so bad.

Now i feel like shit. I have to tell Paul...I want to talk to Kyle first. I don't know what about but i just want to talk to him.

For some reason i wanted to be with him again... I wanted everything to be like it was.

Now everything is all f*cked up! I cheated. We made out...maybe just a little more. We didn't have sex. But still. Cheating is cheating right?

So, instead of going straight to Paul I went straight to my best friend. He's talked to me for a couple hours tonight. He was surprised it was with Kyle but not surprised it happened. I only told my best friend because this has happened to him. He cheated on his gf but they got over it. He's assured me that no matter what happens he would be there for me but...i don't want to break up. I know paul will probably break up with me but i don't want this to happen. He's very protective, and somewhat jealous...but i don't care. I want to be with him.

Who the hell do i want?

HELP!

my life can pretty much go to hell.

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 06:11:37 GMT

The lyrics to my life right now:

Pour me somethin' tall and strong
make it a Hurricaine before i go insane.
It's only half past twelve but I don't care
It's five o'clock somewhere.

No joke...i need a stiff drink right now!

My "situation" from earlier [see other posts] just pushed me over the edge! I'm going freaking insane.

I want ~~tequila~~.

I want ~~vodka~~.

I want ~~rum~~!

I want anything that will block today out of my mind.

ANYTHING!!!!

Sorry for being so negative.

i'm angry now.

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 23:36:09 GMT

OH my god...

What the Hell could have changed in an hour?!?!

I'm not txting him!

If he really wants to hang out tonight...he'll txt me.

he sounded like he did earlier...he had a good time last night

-or so i thought-

whatever.

I want to fix you.

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 21:15:00 GMT

What the hell is going on?

He was fine yesterday...thats for sure! And today he's depressed...?

Wtf.

I can't even do anything to fix it. He won't talk to me, he says i didn't do anything but lord knows whether or not he's telling the truth. He lies so much. I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth!

All I want to do is fix things. What could have gone wrong?

I knew i shouldn't have gotten involved...i knew i would end up caring too much.

Now i'm sitting here in my empty room...trying not to txt him to ask if he's ok, or if there's anything he needs. I don't want to be like his girlfriend who he dispises because she txts him all the damn time. He HATES that. I hear about it all the time. She'll txt him and he'll throw his phone across the room because she's so annoying! I don't want to be like that...

I'm at a loss.

God.

I'm going to leave him alone for the rest of the day. if he wants to txt me he can. We were supposed to be together tonight...at this rate who knows what will come of that? Whatever.

I hope tonight works out. Not because i'm being selfish but because i want to make him feel better. I want him to be happy because he means so much to me (as a friend...and possibly more).

If anyone has anything to say...feel free to say it.

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 06:37:40 GMT

lol...a little update on the whole *kyle* story.

I stayed up all night-literally i have not slept in like 30 hours-and we talked about EVERYTHING.

We played a game like 20 questions. It started out harmless...but...there is a but lol. about 5 hours into the conversation each question was getting more "revealing" and interesting. We started to get a little kinky and it was embarassingly kind of fun. I love talking to kyle because he is not afraid to say anything. Lets just say the entire night was spent "questioning" eachother about what we could do. He wants to be "the other man" Wow, i've never done this before and i dont think i can...it makes me nervous. But oddly enough, i kinda want to find out what it would be like...it could be hot. And throughout the night i got even more turned on....Awkward i know lol. But, i've been thinking about him all freaking day. Except when i was spending time with my bf. I didn't think about him at all while we were doing anything and it was nice...hopefully this doesn't turn into a bad situation...

We'll just have to find out.

:]

my life recently

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 02:06:14 GMT

I posted these things a couple days ago...thought it would be fun to put them in my journal

So, i've been with this guy...lets call him paul (totally not his name lol). So me and paul have been together for almost four years now. I'm a freshman in college-so if you do the math we have been together since freshman year in high school- anyways, i've been hanging out with my ex lately (might i add he's the only ex i have). We have been talking and this kid...we'll call him Kyle (not his name either haha) come to find out he STILL knows like EVERYTHING ABOUT ME! He's a stoner, drunkard pretty much loser but he can remember the simple things from ... like six years ago when we were dating...yea we were young!

Anyways, this kid tells me he knows more than i think he knows. Finally after like 3 hours of trying to get it out of him he says this: (in a txt message) "I know that you question your relationship with *paul* quite often.I know that you still have thoughts about us...Am i close"

What the Fuck am i supposed to say about this?! Like honestly...he was the first kid i TRULY fell in love with...i mean i'm always going to wonder...and I also found out tonight that it wasn't HIM breaking up with me...IT WAS HIS GOD DAMNED PARENTS!!!!! They made him dump me because he "wasn't mature enough for a girlfriend." Too bad they dont know about the other ninety seven of them!

New day:

me and *paul* (haha if you read my post last night you'll understand) but we wen't to dinner and i had A MEAN salad...like hardcore ranch...a lil cheese some black beans, some lil crunchy things, some sunflower seeds...ohhh boy. and two chicken strips...a little breaded. i'm guessing about 800 cals total. I hope you all had a good day. I exercised too! I walked a mile in 15 mins and i walked another mile in about 25 mins. not very much but hey...it got me off my fat ass for a while. I had dance class and i think i sweated off about a pound...it makes me nervous waltzing with hot guys i don't know...yea AWKWARD!

Anyhow. If you did read last night when i posted about *paul* Versus *kyle*...yep, the situation is still going on...its so weird. *kyle* seems to say all the right things... oh boy is this weird. *paul* loves me. I love him and there's no question who i want to be with. Its just so weird, I can't believe this feeling i'm getting when i'm around him. or when he txts me...or anything. Its WEIRD............... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Whatev.

An update:

*kyle* has been txting me all day...talking about the past and how we were together...like jokingly. He's sayin like "you know i love you" and "you know you love me" and "we should 'hang out' some more like we did at the jazz festival" (at the jazz festival freshman year we "hooked up"...we weren't together but it was fun). Talk about weird memories comin back lol. Its fun talking to him. He's probably my favorite person to txt.

Me and *paul* went to lunch today...it was fun. I love him so much! I think he would freak if he read the messages i got from *kyle* though! haha. oh well. oh my life is great. :]

LOVES :]

if you read my xanga this is the same...lame i know.

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 08:06:54 GMT

Oh how i wish i had the privacy to post what I truely feel on here.

I'm home for the weekend. I am buying a scale while i'm here.

I did so well during the week. Damn this place. I'm like the cursed. It's like the devil.

Fuck.

Here's a summary:

yesterday: Sandwich (230), coffee (140), Applebees (cursed900 cals!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Over my limit by 470 bloody calories.

Shit.

Today: Chicken fingers (200 est.) Salad (500 est.) Tuna melt (400 est.)

Over limit by 300 G*d Damned calories.

I dont even know where to start. and its only friday. I threw all of my hard work away when i had that damned Applebees...and it only continued with the chicken...and salad...oh but the salad...the salad was lovely. Bugger. It was splendid. I could have eaten about seven hundred and eighty two of those salads...let me describe it: lettuce, peas (frozen), corn (also frozen), carrots, cucumbers, cottage cheese (only about a spoonful), oh and ranch...kill me about now...and sunflower seeds, and some little bread strip thingys...ohhhhh my was it wonderful.

And the tuna melt. it was lovely. Fresh canned tuna. yumm. mmm. mmm. mmmmmmm.

Ok. well now that i've fucked up everything. i am going to move on. I'm watching Sweeny todd...great movie.

I want to look like Mrs. Lovett. She's beautiful. her pale skin is lovely. she is small. yet not TOO small.

Ok, i'll be back. on possibly later. I am in a slump. I could use some positive reinforcement in the form of lovely comments :] haha not like i'm trying to pry.

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 13:51:12 GMT

Ahh. alone at last.

It has been a while since i have had the opportunity to [[freely]] search the internet for ~~thinspo~~. Or do anything without people rubbernecking for that matter.

I'm free to post what I want. The only bugger is i think someone who knows me...on here or xanga will be reading. My true worry is that they will spill this life-its far different than my "real life" haha- to my ~~parents~~.

I would hate for them to have to go through this again with me so i decided to live in secrecy this time...last time i had troubles it was pretty obvious. But i know better ways of hiding it from the rents now....not that i should have to worry about this since i DO live on my own. I've got a crazy family. They will always be controlling, needy, and easily offended by even the smallest of things.

I have been thinking lately.
~~BIG NEWS!!!~~ haha

I have been wishing I could write the three papers I have (Due tonight) as easily as i post on here. Life would be amazing.

Whatever.

I'm going to try to search for uplifting pics.

Good Morning Lovelies!

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 06:18:12 GMT

The end to almost the most boring day ever:

Haven't eaten anything since dinner.

This means my total is a big ole ~~745~~

well...i didn't find any pics to post since there have been people in my room since like the last time i posted...so. I am a little behind today.

BUT i met my goals-ok minus the exercise...God i'm a failure. ok Tomorrow i have walking and dance so i will get it in.

Loves to all.

You can comment if you so graciously feel like.

Goodnight.

:]

At a glance...

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 01:40:11 GMT

Today:

Woke up-10:30 in the am.
had "brunch" with myself-11:30 in the am. ( i had a ham and swiss sandwich-290 cals)
Went to class with myself-1:00 in the pm. I relaxed haha.
Ran into RJ after class, dont see him around much.
Posted on xanga.
Searched for groups/pix on here.
Got a Grande Blended Skinny Mocha- 135 cals (TOTAL SO FAR: 425.)
Had a breath mint while I read for Writing essay. +5 cals.
{{{all day: cursed in my head at the stoner who bailed on me and left me without the ability to download music}}}
Went to dinner-6:00 in the pm.(turkey and swiss sandwich-310 cals-TOTAL SO FAR: 740 cals)
Still waiting on the bum to come fix my comp.
Bored out of my mind...
i'm still under my cal intake but i need 12 more oz water...that should fill me up.

will post later.

________________

Found this on a friend's site:

skinny by summer 2008 challenge.

Here are the points that I'll be adding to my blogs starting tomorrow.
DAILY POINT VALUES

Intake
8 pts: Less than max cals
5 pts: Same amount of cals allowed
2 pts: 100 Cal more than cal allowed
1 pt: 200 Cal more than cal allowed
-2 pts: 300 Cal more than cal allowed
-5 pts: 400 and up cals more
Outake
10 pts: 2 hours or more of exercise
9 pts: 1.5 hours of exercise
8 pts: 1 hour of exercise
6 pts: 45 min of exercise
3 pts: 30 Min of exercise
1 pt: 15 Min of exercise
-5 Pts: No Exercise

Water
6 pts: 9 or more glasses of water
5 pts: 8 glasses of water
4 pts: 6-7 glasses of water
3 pts: 4-5 glasses of water
2 pts: 2-3 glasses of water
1 pt: 1 glass of water
-5 pts: No Water

Weight
5 pts: Weight Lost at weigh in
-5 pts: Weight gaines at weigh in
3 pts: Weigh in on time
-3 pts: Weight in late
2 pts: Every pound lost

Sleep
6 pts: 8 or more hours of sleep
5 pts: 7 hours of sleep
4 pts: 5-6 hours of sleep
3 pts: 3-4 hours of sleep
2 pts: 2 hours of sleep
1 pt: 1 hour of sleep
-5 pts: No Sleep

Other
3 pts: Updating xanga
3 pts: Supporting team members
3 pts: Thinking positive
2 pts: Took vitamin
-3 pts: Drinking pop
-3 pts: Eating after 8

lovies

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 08:49:10 GMT

I feel lost.

No friend invites so far.

I'm on xanga as well...same username.

I'm kinda new to this site, been watching for a while just not a member. I'm looking for help as to how to use this site...

if you have any advice that would be very helpful!

:]

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 08:46:20 GMT

Hello all.

I'm semi-new here. (by this i mean i've been *lurking*-as if that doesn't sound stalker-ish - for a while).

I'm looking forward to gettin to know people.

Let me start out by introducing myself a bit:

loves:
sun
roller coasters
apples
computers (not ~~apples~~-bahah)
rain
my room-the color, and size
*new* blogging
walking
riding bikes
softball
best friends