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Being spilled...

December 10th, 2009

(no subject) @ 06:10 pm

today is december 10, 2009.

i'm not really sure what to say but it's been too long since i've updated.

i'm losing weight. I get to see my love in 9 days. My sister in 9 days. go to cabo in 19 days.

things are coming together.

June 8th, 2009

Writer's Block: Significant Choices @ 01:51 pm

Current Mood: amused amused

If you had to choose between your friends and your significant other, who would you choose?

June 5th, 2009

39 weeks... @ 02:18 pm

Current Mood: loved loved

 i was just looking at my journal...and how it said "last updated about 39 weeks ago..." 

holy crap. I honestly had to look back and see where i was 39 weeks ago. That was before florida. Before breaking up with d. before the scott drama. before my love for disney and FL broke my heart. Before skyelar. Before d. joining the military. before thinking i'd lost him forever. before realizing we are meant to be together forever. Before it all...I feel like my life was lived entirely in the last 39 weeks...

friends have changed. love has changed. family has changed. everything has changed and i love it. change is great.

I miss FL. I would love to be there now. But i know it's not what is best for d. and me. we are working on our long distance thing...[[from OR to TX where he is.]] I miss him so much. I'm so thankful for him. He is so amazing. He is my motivation. He is what keeps me going every day. And soon we will get to be together again...January...he's done in January. Then he comes home and we can be happy...I know Jan. is a ways away...and change is bound to happen in one way or another, but i certainly hope we can make it through. 

oh to be in love. I never thought...45 weeks ago [[haha]] that i would ever love again. 

If anybody reads this...what are your feelings about love?? Any stories?? 

Hopefully it wont be another 39 weeks before i update :]


May 6th, 2008

as of now. @ 02:05 am

 and this is where i am now:



well, my story continues:

I'm moving on. He can do what he likes. If we have to continue this myspace "drama" of moving down on friends lists and crap like that...whatever. Its immature. And I dont care anymore.

I'm getting stronger. I was reminded today of how many good friends i have. Ones that hug you cuz they haven't seen you in forever. Ones that, even though you don't talk to them regularly, they will call to tell you they are there for you. I want to tell all of my friends thank you. I love you all.

My family deserves a thank you as well. Thank you for being concerned, and doing what you all did. I love you all.

My heart is still broken. It will take time to heal i know. But i know i can do it.

I just talked to another friend. She said whatever happens, whether it be you find someone else and they are the right one, or you two get back together...whatever happens, know it is God's plan. Wow. I can't believe how far I have fallen from my faith. I remember that I can't control the future. God has His plan for me and whatever happens, happens. Thank you for reminding me.

It still hurts. It will hurt for a while. But if he can move on so can I.

I am a little peeved though. The girl...well if he's with her any time whatsoever...i will know he lied to me. Whatever. If that happens i KNOW i will never forgive. And I believe lying is worse of a deed than anything i have done. And if he so chose to crawl back to me...well i don't know what i would do. (not that i'm expecting that to happen). He is just doin it to piss me off. This is a completely different side of him i have never seen. But it's good i'm seein it now. And it changes alot. He seems immature...not that it matters. I will always love him. That will never change.

This "blogging" crap seems rediculous to me. I don't even know why i'm doing it. I guess it's better to write down feelings than keep them bottled up. But really i don't know what to say anymore. but here's what's on my mind:

If he can't work things out...the relationship didn't mean as much as i thought it did. If he'd be willing to leave a wife and kids after something like this...he's not worth it. If he can just move on that fast...i was never worth that much to him in the first place. I realize he's angry, and he has every right to be, but if he felt the way he said he did...he should be willing to work on things and let me make it right again. I am having this feeling...this whole issue was just an excuse to be single...because that's what he was wanting.

Just a few things on my mind...can't get them off. But i'm trying to study. keeping myself busy.

I want everyone to know i meant every word i said in my last "blog" or whatever. I felt like i said i did. And I'm glad you all cared. But I am learning to work through the pain. I don't care if he moves on. If he does, it shows me how he really is. And I only want the best for him, whatever that may be. I want him to be happy. He can do what he wants in this world, i won't try to control him, i never have and i never will and he knows this. If we work out...we work out...if we dont...it wasn't meant to be.

I'm not going to deny the fact that I do still wish we were together, because i do. I would love nothing more, right now, than to spend the rest of my life with him. But i realize he would never be trusting, he would worry all of the time and he would never be fully content. So, I hope whoever he spends the rest of his life with can make him happier than i ever did.

I honestly just hope he doesn't become a man whore. I mean, he did say all guys are after one thing...is that only what he wanted? Did he just get what he wanted and leave? Doubtful...but still (another thing on my mind).

Moving on. No, Moving through the pain. This is what my dad told me i have to do. And i am trying. I will do it. I will move through this. I don't have to move on. I don't need anybody in my life right now. Obviously that's what God intended.  When I am supposed to have someone there...God will bring him to me. For now, i need to focus on school, friends, and family. Oh yes, and I need to work on my faith. I would like to strengthen it. I want to get close to God again.  I gave up so much to him...things that i can never get back and i want to apologize to God for that. I'm not saying i didn't like those things. They were great. But i'm moving through...

Thank you again to all of you who care so much for me. You are all amazing. I appreciate everything you have all done. I cannot express how much I am thankful.

I love you all.


(no subject) @ 02:02 am

well everybody...here's an update:

I wrote this down on saturday morning at 4:30 when i wasn't sleeping.

We all make mistakes.  Mine just happened to end the best thing that happened to me.  He won't read this i'm sure of it. But if he does...well he'll know how i really feel.

I don't even know where to start. Other than i hope i never see the person that caused all of this. If i do i will probably kick him in the balls.  He ruined my life.  I really can't see myself continuing on.  I'm not trying to guilt anyone. Its so hard.

All i want to do is spend every waking second fighting for him (by now i hope you all know who the "him" is).  Every waking second is now including the full 24 hours of every day because i haven't slept in about 2 weeks. Who do i listen to? Do i talk to him? Do i txt him? Do i wait until he txts me? Will he ever txt me? Probably not. 

I tore his heart out.  I knew from the beginning this would end up like this if anything were to happen. What i didn't know is that i would feel this way.  I can never trust anyone again.  I thought that loser was someone i could trust! Showed me huh?  "Loser" messed up my ENTIRE LIFE!!!

I will never move on. My phone conversation last night went a little something like this:

Should i move on? I dont know right now. Well would it be worth it for me to wait for you because thats all i want to do. I want to make you happy. I dont know. you broke my heart and i can never trust you and right now i dont see us getting back together because i told you this from the start. I know but I want to fix things. You can't fix things. I know...i realize i will never be able to rewind and take it back. It will never go away but i want to be with you so i will fight for that. Unless you want to move on. I don't know.  Well i need to know if you every want to be with me again. I dont know.......

And on...What do i do? I don't even want to think about my life with someone else. All I want to do is be with him.  He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I physically can't function without him.  Like as of now i can hardly type anything. I have no motivation to go to class...i will probably fail this term.  Then it's summer...and his birthday...and then i leave for disney world...alone? I hope not. I hope he will take me back by then. How can you say you want to marry someone and have a family with them and a better future than anyone else and then not even try to fix things?!?!

I realize it's only been a week that we have been apart. But still...Love that deep can't just dissolve in a week...A week should seem like forever and we should already be back and fighting for what we want most...which i thought was eachother. He is my life. I want to fix things so bad. I feel like I am not a person now. I feel like a blob of lard just flailing around the world meaninglessly.  I cry every second. My body shakes uncontrolably. I'm in so much pain i can't bear it. I cant eat.  Maybe if i get skinny he will take me back? Who knows.

I feel bad for his brother. I saw him on thursday. He didn't know. I wouldn't tell him anything until he heard it from him before.  I wanted him to be the first to tell his own family.  Why WHY WHY?! All i want to do is make it better. I don't know what to do.

My dad says not to talk to him for a while. That is the hardest thing to do. I can't go a day...sad. God i hope i haven't permanently ruined this. I will wait forever. I won't be with anyone else.  I can only hope he feels the same.  It could take years but i don't care. I will wait. It's not like he's going to read this and let it change his mind.

Lord only knows what is going on in his mind. "she's a b*tch" probably.  He probably never wants to be with me ever again...but i'm clinging to that small shadow of doubt in the "i don't know" that will probably lead me astray for the rest of my life.  What about sunday? What did that mean? Why kiss me like he did if it didn't mean anything? It was the same kind of kiss i got when we were together.

I'm so lost.

I think i need professional help...yep.

I've gotten this far in this whatever you call it without saying something. I'm sorry...I am. More sorry than anyone in the world. More sorry than i was for trying to take my own life, more sorry than God when he sent Satan to Hell. I am so sorry i would die to show it. These words are just about the only words that run through my head all day every day: I'm sorry. I love you. Please forgive me.

I don't even know what to do. everything reminds me of "Us." My bed. My computer. My tv. My school. My parents. My sister. My friends. I can't think about anything i do or anyone i see without thinking about him and how much i messed it up and how much i'm sorry. and how much i want to die in order for this to all be over. Nobody has probably read this far so that last statement really won't matter. but it's true. I'm weak. I need to be stronger

That is my goal: Get strong and skinny. Then he will want me back. Strong and Skinny. Strong and skinny. Strong and skinny.

2 hours till i'm supposed to be awake to meet mom.

So much for mom's weekend. I'm so sorry mom for ruining this for you. I'm such a selfish person. I guess you can all see that now.


April 29th, 2008

(no subject) @ 06:17 pm

Hours of [liquid] fast: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24  25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48

Gonna keep going.

I've had two coffees today (i think like a total of 300 cals) and an unsweetened iced tea (zero calories). 

Longest day ever.

I don't know if anyone reads my LJ too but i've not had the best week/weekend.  

My boyfriend broke up with me. I'm the cause of the problem. I cheated. I'm the failure.

I'm trying to lose weight to win him back.  Hopefully he will take me back. 

I love him so much. I can't physically live without him.  I have skipped all classes so far this week and i can't bear to go to my one tonight but it's important for my grade...whatever. I will zone out the whole time.  Think of ways to win him back.

If anyone wants to talk i'm here.  I love talking to people. 

(no subject) @ 11:53 am

 So  switched to a liquid fast. I have too many pe classes. So i had a coffee today.

Hours of fast: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24

April 23rd, 2008

i f*cked up. @ 11:05 pm

 well, you can all tell me..."i told you so"

He was an ass.  Nothing matters to him but drugs.  He won't even stay sober enough to talk to me about it.

He promised nobody would find out. He said he wanted to be like "friends with benefits".  I can't believe anything he says.  He's always been the same.  I can't belive i wanted this so bad.

Now i feel like shit. I have to tell Paul...I want to talk to Kyle first.  I don't know what about but i just want to talk to him.  

For some reason i wanted to be with him again...  I wanted everything to be like it was. 

Now everything is all f*cked up!  I cheated. We made out...maybe just a little more. We didn't have sex. But still. Cheating is cheating right?

So, instead of going straight to Paul I went straight to my best friend.  He's talked to me for a couple hours tonight. He was surprised it was with Kyle but not surprised it happened.  I only told my best friend because this has happened to him.  He cheated on his gf but they got over it.  He's assured me that no matter what happens he would be there for me but...i don't want to break up. I know paul will probably break up with me but i don't want this to happen.  He's very protective, and somewhat jealous...but i don't care.  I want to be with him.

Who the hell do i want?


April 22nd, 2008

my life can pretty much go to hell. @ 11:06 pm

Current Location: Fuck the world
Current Music: Garbage: Cherry Lips

The lyrics to my life right now:

Pour me somethin' tall and strong
make it a Hurricaine before i go insane.
It's only half past twelve but I don't care
It's five o'clock somewhere.

No joke...i need a stiff drink right now!

My "situation" from earlier [see other posts] just pushed me over the edge! I'm going freaking insane.

I want tequila.

I want vodka.

I want rum!

I want anything that will block today out of my mind.


Sorry for being so negative.

i'm angry now. @ 04:33 pm

Current Location: Secret Hell
Current Mood: aggravated aggravated
Current Music: Elton John: Tiny Dancer

 OH my god...

What the Hell could have changed in an hour?!?!

I'm not txting him!

If he really wants to hang out tonight...he'll txt me.

he sounded like he did earlier...he had a good time last night

            -or so i thought-



Being spilled...